What Not to Do at a Movie Theater—Sincerely, a Former Theater Employee
I applied to Amstar Cinemas the summer after my freshman year of college. I stayed there, working with an amazing group of people at this mind numbingly boring job, until the spring of my junior year. I was recently going through my old files on my computer, and I stumbled upon some stories I wrote as an undergrad about my time as a movie theater employee based on a pet peeve prompt. And let me tell you—that job generated a lot of material. So after rekindling memories of sweeping popcorn and tearing tickets, here is a list of what not do next time you're at a movie theater from your friendly neighborhood former-theater employee.
1. Do not complain about the food prices to the concessionist.
Here's a universal tip for all service scenarios: unless you're talking to the CEO of the company, that person is not responsible for pricing! And a bonus tip: complaining won't make the cashier suddenly feel so bad for you that they give you a discount.
Theater concessions is overpriced, yes. But firstly, it's not the cashier's fault. And secondly, concessions is the only way movie theaters make money. During a film's opening week, the studio, not the theater, takes 70 to 80 percent of gross box office sales. If you want your local movie theater to stay in business, buy that large popcorn!
2. Do not yell at the concessionist for trying to up-sell.
Up-sell (v.): to tack on a reflexive question at the end of the transaction, fully expecting the customer to say no: "Would you like to make that drink a medium for 25 cents more?"
Here's a standard response that I used to get: "Are you really trying to take more of my money?" No, kind gentleman, the concessionist is never trying to take more of your money. Why? Because any logical person would know that the concessionist you've just yelled at gets paid the same meager minimum wage rate no matter how many medium soft drinks they sell.
So the question remains: why do the concessionists try to up-sell? Because, like most of the inane tasks we were given, we are trained and required to say these kinds of phrases to our customers. In fact, I had a manager who liked to stand directly behind the concessionists for hours and point out every time we didn't try to up-sell.
3. Do not show up to the theater as the movie is starting and expect to get good seats.
If a box office cashier tells you that all but 5 or 10 tickets have been sold and you aren't going to get good seats, trust them. "Oh, that's fine," these customers would instead say, then ten minutes later, they'd come marching out asking for a refund because they didn't like sitting in the front row. Don't be that person.
4. Do not complain if the showing you wanted was sold out well ahead of time when seeing a big movie or going on a busy day of the year.
Movie franchises like Star Wars sell their tickets in advance. We were sold out for the opening night of The Force Awakens at least a month in advance. Either bite the bullet and pay the $2 extra transaction fee on Fandango to pre-order or make a trip over to the theater to get those advance tickets and don't lose them between the time you purchase them and the movie date. You don't want to have to be that person to tell your 10-year-old son that he can't see Star Wars on his birthday because you didn't think it "would be that popular" (yes, this did actually happen).
Likewise, there are certain days of the year that are just crazy busy for movie theaters (holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving—pretty much any time you want an excuse not to talk to family members for two hours but still be "spending time with them"), and if you want to see a popular movie on one of these days, you should pre-order tickets or expect long lines. I still remember working box office Christmas morning in 2014, the day Into the Woods, Unbroken, and American Sniper premiered. We had lines across the entire lobby, and there were so many people that by a certain point, we realized that everyone was pretty much waiting to be told their desired movie and/or time was sold out.
Look, it's my fiancé when he was a little baby undergrad and just started working at Amstar.
5. If you're going to sneak food in, don't be a jerk about it.
Movie theater employees don't care that you snuck a can of Sprite into the auditorium, but we do have the power to stop you. If you are, for instance, chewing on a McDonald's cheeseburger, clutching a bag of fries and McFlurry in the other hand, I will stop you and make you finish it in the lobby (yes, this happened). Why? Because you didn't have the decency to at least pretend to care about the theater's rules.
Essentially, if you're gonna sneak candy or a drink in, don't be stupid about it. Theater employees become less tolerant of this rule being broken when they go to clean a theater and find the ground littered with wine coolers, condiments smeared on the cupholders. So clean up after yourself, and if you have the money, consider supporting the theater by buying at least one concession item.
6. Don't try to sneak in to an R-rated movie if you're under 17.
I'm gonna be honest, I took no greater pleasure in that job than asking to see obviously under-17 year olds' IDs and denying them access to the latest horror movie. Don't think you're gonna cheat the system by having your dad buy the tickets for you, either—we notice when he leaves and you and your pre-pubescent friends go in alone. We will kick you out or force your dad to stay with you. It'll be embarrassing for everyone.
My favorite was when this group of teen boys bought tickets to Minions, clearly wanting to see The Gallows (a horror movie). They all went into the correct auditorium, but my coworker and I knew what was up, so we spent the entire length of Minions standing right outside the entrance to the auditorium where The Gallows was playing. The whole movie, these kids would leave in groups of two, obviously thinking they would sneak over to the other auditorium, see us, then change direction and pretend to go to the bathroom or buy concessions. To make it worse, they'd be giggling every time they left Minions, so they weren't fooling anyone.
7. Don't commit PDA (or more) in an auditorium, even if it's empty.
This is very blurry because I was trying to be covert, but this couple either didn't realize or care that we could see everything they were doing in the photo booth. So now I have a picture of this random girl's bra on my phone. Why can't people just wait to take their clothes off until they're in the comfort of their own homes?
A lot of theaters have this thing called movie checks. This is where, during a lull, the usher will go to every auditorium and make sure the picture is clear, the lights have dimmed properly, the sound is not too loud or soft, and no one is on their cell phone. So even if there is no one else in the auditorium, you'll probably have an unwelcome spectator for whatever making out (or unspeakable acts) you are engaging in. And you will get kicked out if you are giving your boyfriend a blow job in an empty theater (yes, this really happened). A poor usher has to clean up whatever mess you may or may not leave behind, and do you really think someone wants to sit in that seat after you've done that on it? Not to mention, you paid good money to see that movie—you should actually watch it!
Now, I understand doing the dirty in an empty theater, but if the idea of fellow moviegoers seeing and hearing you doesn't dissuade you, I have nothing to say except you're the worst type of person. One of my coworkers once had to remove a couple who were full on riding each other (we're talking full penetration here) in a packed auditorium while watching a children's movie. That is not a sentence anyone should have to say.
For that matter, go ahead and don't engage in any questionable touching in a public space. I'm looking at you, old ladies who covered themselves up with blankets during Fifty Shades of Grey. (Bonus—weirdest things found while cleaning auditoriums after a Fifty Shades showing: a cucumber, a used condom, and an opened tampon.)
In general, try to be a kind, compassionate human being who recognizes that these movie theater employees are doing a service for you.
This should just be a rule for life in general, but it doesn't hurt to remember to be especially kind to those people who work on Christmas and Thanksgiving (theaters are open 365 days a year!) to bring you the magic of film.
